Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Tuesday 29 August 2006

As an experienced pawdler of humans, I am often asked for advice by doggy chums on how to pawdle their troublesome pets. Here, for the first time in print, are my top tips. Use them wisely:
  • Allow your human to maintain the impression that they are in charge. This may cause friction at the outset of your relationship but is worth mastering. They believe they are dominant. Not so – but permitting them to believe that they are saves hassle. YOU know who is truly the boss and that’s what matters.

  • Always supervise your human when it is cooking. This is a hazardous activity and often results in mishaps. While your pet tends to their burns and lacerations you can swiftly consume their scattered food, always taking care not to injure yourself on broken glass, china, or scalding trays. You do not want your human to get indigestion in addition to their external wound(s).

  • Walk your human daily. Feel free to wander off and amuse yourself as much as possible – a well-trained human will gladly wait patiently while you frolic with your chums. It is possible that they will call you in tones of increasing frustration, but ignore this; they don’t mean it. If they attempt socialisation with other humans against your inclination, always do your utmost to discourage or prevent this. Whining, growling and feigning death are acceptable alternatives for moving your human on.

  • There may come a time when your human accepts the attentions of a mate. Address this immediately to prevent stress. If she invites him into your home, be firm. Nip early and nip often. Preferably when she is out of the room, which will lead to suspicions of paranoia, prejudice and jealousy against her innocent little dog in her potential mate. You don’t need me to tell you which areas of a male are most sensitive to concentrated fang activity. The slimy interloper will soon slither back under the rock from whence he came and you can once again enjoy the uninterrupted affections of your partner. Should the disturber of your peace be female, prolonged and regular gaseous eruptions should be sufficient to send her on her way. Time them skilfully. Make the sprout, broccoli or cabbage your ally in this assault. Permanent partnerships among pets can be more problematic, but don’t despair. Bide your time and mind your manners. The day will come when your pet realises that you are the superior companion. After all, YOU have never forgotten to put the bins out for the millionth time, broken the vase her mother gave her, snored too loudly all night or forgotten your wedding anniversary. Unlike certain people!

I hope these little nuggets of advice are helpful. Just remember that there is no affection better for humans than the love of a loyal dog. And, no matter what, never, EVER, let sleeping humans lie. Good night.

Post a Comment