Thursday 10 May 2007

I am undeceived.

Oh, how cruel the stark light of truth can be when innocent eyes have been clouded by deceit for so long. Yes, the fog of obfuscation cast across me by the buzzard has been lifted.

His evil web of twisted lies was shattered the other day, and I have only just recovered enough today to record the fact on my blog. My partner was too ill to work recently and was confined to our bed for much of the day. We were perusing the bookshelves for a volume to amuse our hours of resting - my partner chose a history book and, as she picked it up, a slender tome fell to the floor and came to rest at my paws. It was a picture book about birds. Idly, we flicked to the "B" section. And I quote...

"...Large hawks prey on small mammals. The Buzzard feeds on rodents, squirrels, mice, large insects and rabbits but also catches larger animals, including pheasants and hares. A small dog could look about the same size as a hawk's usual prey and it's possible that a hungry raptor might at least attempt to capture a little dog, injuring it in the process. Recently in Great Britain, a Eurasian Eagle-Owl made headlines when it repeatedly attacked at least five dachshunds..."

WHAT???!

Just exactly who the ####ing, $$$ing HELL does that buzzard think he is calling SMALL? Let me tell you, before I had lost my post-natal blindness, long before he was even a hard-boiled egg in his parents' nest of twiglets, I was shouldering my littermates out of the way in order to get the first and best share at our mother's milk bar. I was not, am not, and never will be small. I am 20kg of solid muscle and fang and he would do well to remember this.

I can well understand his desire to eat me; I look absolutely delicious and am a man in his prime. But small? Oh no. For goodness' sake. I have never been more angry. And what irks me also is that NO-ONE took it upon themselves to warn me that the buzzard may have had ulterior motives in courting my friendship. Not ONE word of caution, from ANY of my friends. WHY was I not warned? I cannot believe it. It's absolutely disgusting.

This day, therefore, I have sworn a solemn oath to protect the wild creatures of Abbotstone from this flying wretch. No longer will he be permitted to pillage at will from my woodlands after the indignity he has served on me. And if I have to kill and eat every last squirrel, rabbit and mouse in order to protect them from him, so be it. That'll teach the overstuffed budgerigar to tangle with Jasper. Oh yes.

Small? Small? How dare he?

Now, I don't know if his nest is hooked up to the internet. I do not care. But whether or not he ever ventures online, let this serve as due notice: He has been warned. And this is his warning:

(click to enlarge)

Grrrrowl. I am a Staffordshire Bull Terrier; not a recipe suggestion.

Good night.