Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Thursday 11 September 2008

I am still alive, apparently. We all are.

I had it on good authority (Harvey, occasionally assisted by Candy) that the world was going to end yesterday because of some caper that a few scientists are getting up to in Switzerland (for us rational beings, that's the Large Hadron Collider at the CERN laboratory). The numpty boffins (the scientists, not Harvey and Candy) are trying to recreate the Big Bang with their machine - though goodness knows why; it will only ever tell them what might probably have happened - only someone who was there at the time can say for sure exactly what occurred and eyewitnesses to that particular event seem to be a bit thin on the ground these days.

I must say, I was almost a little bit disappointed to find that we hadn't all been sucked into a big black hole when the machine was switched on at 8.30am yesterday morning. I felt it would have been an ideal way to deal with the New Cat once and for all. And the hedgehog, for that matter, who continues to blight my life - but more of him later. In the park this afternoon, I challenged Harvey about the fact that we were all still in existence, as he had been getting more and more boring with his doomsday predictions as yesterday drew ever closer.
"Ah, er, no, um, ah, yes..." he stammered, trying to find some kind of explanation that would make him look less stupid than he already did. Candy and I waited patiently while he dithered. Then Harvey piped up "Ah but, if you recall, I DID tell you that they were just switching it on yesterday. The actual experiment isn't happening 'til later."
"No you didn't." said Candy, wagging her tail.
"Yes, I did." countered the unfortunate Harvey, "If you remember, I told you that the first high-energy collisions..." WHAT has he been reading? Harvey's vocabulary has increased almost tenfold lately - his partner must be putting something in his food. "...will happen on 21st October..."
"No you didn't." repeated Candy.
"...and THAT is when the world is going to end."
"Two days before my birthday." I said. "What a lovely gift."
"You didn't say anything of the kind, Harvey." said Candy, "You told us we were all going to die on Wednesday."
"No, definitely on 21st October." protested the young Staffordshire. "It will create a big implosion thingy and we will all be turned instantly into shapeless grey goo."
"I'm not sure that some of us aren't already halfway there." I muttered and Candy laughed. "Anyway, there's no point worrying about it." I continued, "It's out of our paws and there's nothing we can do. I'm sure we'll all be ok."
"Really, Jasper?" said Candy, looking really quite relieved. "Do you honestly think that 21st October will pass by and we'll be alright."
"Of course." I replied, "But not before I have passed this turd." And I scuttled behind a handy bush to lay a little dog-egg, while Candy told Harvey what she thought about his soothsaying abilities.

On a purely personal note - I am not in the least bit bothered about what may or may not happen as a result of these "tests". The scientists can please themselves. But I DO think that it is obscene to spend such vast sums of money on a largely spurious and highly dangerous experiment while there are still starving babies in this world. But I'm only a humble Staffordshire - what do I know? I daresay I'm barking out of my own little black hole.

My partner has been away for a few days, at the wedding of one of her cousins. I was abandoned to the care of Maisie and cried for my partner for a whole day (actually, dear reader, do not fear. I lived like a King for those days, hehehe). The wedding was in Lincolnshire - a long way from home. My partner received "offers" from three interested young men at the wedding reception, but spurned them all. I questioned her sharply as to whether she turned them down because she still prefers BC to all others, but she refused to be drawn on the subject. Hmmmm....

Whilst I was still labouring under the delusion that my planet would be blown to smithereens on Wednesday, I was looking over some past blog entries over a thimbleful of sherry and reliving old memories. I realise - quelle horreur! - that I have not yet finished my holiday diary from my trip to Wales! Shame on me. The hour is now late, so I will endeavour to secure some computer time tomorrow and share with you the favourite day from my Welsh holiday, when I achieved one of my key aims in life. I've got the pictures to prove it.

And barking of pictures, I also realise that I never post the picture of me taken after I had completed the Cancer Research 'Race for Life' from earlier this year. I don't know how that can have happened. Standards on this blog are most certainly slipping. I blame the hedgehog. Anyway; this particular problem is swiftly remedied:

I look slightly more smug than I should here. But I was tired, and did not wish to be photographed at that time. Although I DID finish the race, hehehe...
Before I sign off, I will make a slight reversion to the subject with which I began (that of having made it past Harvey's apocalyptic predictions through to today) - I would like to spare a moment to remember in my thoughts all those good men, women, children and one dog who made it as far as September 11 2001, but did not get the chance to live beyond it. Rest in peace.

We all know how,
We all know when.
But why was it you?
Why was it then?

Good night.
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