Monday 6 September 2010

Our favourite pea-brained dog very nearly met a nasty end this afternoon.  'Twas only the vigilance of your humble author that spared him from an unpleasant, painful, death.

Long-time readers of this blog may recall that Ewan - the lovable but empty-headed dog belonging (together with Fizzy, Ewan's basket-mate) to one of my partner's colleagues - has an inexplicable and somewhat delusional passion for cheese.  He's obsessed with the stuff.  No-one (least of all Ewan himself) knows why or how this came about, and his theories as to the cheese-making process are wide-ranging and random, and totally unconnected with milk or any other dairy products.

Ewan invites his friends to join him in a game of football

This afternoon, following the luncheon break, Ewan had somehow procured himself a wedge of cheese (probably a gift from his owner).  It was laid out on a small sheet of Clingfilm and Ewan was sitting over it.  I was intrigued by what followed (never actually having seen Ewan with a piece of cheese before).

Fizzy dozed nearby, occasionally opening one sleepy eye to watch her basket-mate with resigned indifference.  I was fascinated, and torn between watching Ewan and debating as to whether I could steal a piece of his cheese.  It was a rectangle of deliciously-scented mature Cheddar.

Ewan spent a full fifteen minutes praising the piece of cheese, enumerating its many good qualities and apologising to it for the fact that he was going to eat it.  Finally, he bowed his head (-this was my chance!-), barking earnestly "For what I am about to receive, may The Lord make me truly thankful..."  and, still with his eyes closed, opened his mouth to take a bite of his cheese.

At that precise moment, an immense hornet bumbled its way down from the sky and alighted on the cheese - directly below Ewan's mouth.  It was too late to slap the cheese away from him and - in any case, even I think twice before annoying a hornet.
"EWAN!!  NO!!!"  I bellowed, leaping up and throwing myself at the dog.  I knocked him to the ground, where he lay, whimpering, on his side.  I fell on top of him.  Fizzy was up in an instant, growling and snarling.

"Jasper!" thundered Fizzy, her fangs glittering and her eyes flashing.  "What the f***ing hell are you doing to my Ewan?!  You'd better have a bl**dy good explanation for what you've just done!"

Ewan and I untangled ourselves and got up, with my simple friend coughing and gasping.
"I don't think the cheese was going to bite me, Jasper." he whimpered, "I made friends with it and everything."  The three of us turned and looked at the cheese as the enormous hornet finished his investigation and flew away.  Fizzy gasped in horror.
"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" she panted, clambering almost all over me and licking my ears frantically.  "My poor man!  He could have been killed!  Thank you Jasper!"  I nodded, and pushed her away.  Tongues that lick Ewan's ears will never lick mine.

"Was that bird trying to steal my cheese?"  asked Ewan, sniffing over his piece of cheddar.
"It wasn't a bird." said Fizzy.  "It was a great big insect and you would have died if you'd swallowed it.  Jasper saved your life!"
"Oh, wow, brilliant."  said Ewan, with several wags of his tail.  "Cheers for that Jazz.  Would you like a piece of my cheese?"

I politely declined.  Goodness only knows where that hornet's feet had been.  I will admit this though - I would have been very sorry indeed to lose my harebrained chum in this manner.  I know that I often complain about Ewan and his nonsense - but I really do have the most enormous amount of affection for the lad.  He is, quite simply, impossible to hate.

Next time - some more Evolution (trouble's brewing!)... And Ewan tries to find a way to deal with the Terrible Ghost (baby) Buzzard that's still haunting my airing cupboard that continues to chill me to the core - shuffling, twittering and scrattin' away in the dead of night...   seeking to possess my mortal soul in its hideous, spectral beak......

Good (not for me, though) night.