The Dog's Blog: Saturday 21 November 2020

I am trying to think of something smart to write upon this blog. All the while knowing that I am not as witty and will never be as clever as Jasper. Funny things don't really happen to me like they seemed to with him (for, as unlikely as it may seem, a lot of the escapades and antics described by Jasper, and the personalities (or dogsonalities...?) he encountered had their basis in truth or actual living beings).

Accidents happen to me, that's for sure - there have been no shortage of those. I almost drowned, I have been stamped on by a cow, been trapped underground (wedged into a rabbit warren by a tree root), been badly bitten by a bigger dog, impaled from shoulder to groin on a long spike (I ran onto it; only by a miracle did I survive - a millimetre to the left or right and either a major artery or my heart would have been pierced. That was around 5 hours in surgery and several thousand pounds' worth of treatment. But I pulled myself off the spike unaided - I might not be the brightest crayon in the tin but I think I AM brave), suffered a phantom pregnancy and the dreaded pyometra. By the natural order of things I probably shouldn't be alive. But I am - and happily thankful to be so, too. I enjoy my life; life is a short yet beautiful thing and I don't want to waste mine. My Mistress and others say how 'chilled out' I am. It's true - I don't mind gunshot, fireworks or thunderstorms. I only once got so seriously scared by a storm that I almost wet my fur; that was when the storm was right overhead and the most almighty crack of lightning happened in the same instant as an explosion of thunder so great that the windows in the house all shook. I did what any self-respecting terrier would do in the situation and hid under the duvet. Generally, then, I am a fairly philosophical little lass, rolling along with life as it comes and with whatever it brings to the party.

I have been looking back at old blog entries, to try and get some inspiration for amusing and engaging things to write about. And what did I find? Here - my first EVER appearance on this blog in 2012, five months after Jasper went to Heaven. Complete with embarrassing photograph.

I suppose that this makes me 9 years old; I'll take that, happy with that. Respectably middle-aged. Not quite as bonkers as when I was a pup, but still reassuringly (or not, depending on your point of view) ME, hehe!

After a bit more looking, I thought I might share with you the time that my Mistress, Betty (my Giant Schnauzer friend who used to stay with us sometimes) nearly ended up getting arrested. I think it might have been posted before, but it probably bears a second barking...

We were, all three, in the car (the Gizmobile), all behaving ourselves very properly, Betty 'riding shotgun', with Mistress driving and I sitting in the back, on our way to work. My Mistress noticed in her rear-view mirror that we were being followed by a Police Officer on a motorbike. On exiting the first of two adjacent roundabouts it became very clear, from his flashing blue lights and obvious hand signals, that we must pull over and switch off our engine. After negotiating the second roundabout, Mistress steered the car into a lay-by at the top of the road. After telling us to ("for goodness' sake, girls!") behave ourselves, she wound down her window and waited for the officer's approach. Uh-oh - what had we done wrong to attract his displeasure?!

We sat in an uneasy silence as the Policeman got off his motorcycle and marched crossly towards us.
"Hello sir!" Mistress greeted him brightly, trying to smile and not look shifty, "Is everything all right?"

The scowling gent glared at her.
"Is that child wearing a seatbelt?!" he barked angrily at my Mistress. Her winning smile faltered in her confusion.
"Excuse me?"
"THAT CHILD!" he snapped, irritably. "In your front passenger seat! Is it WEARING a SEATBELT?!"
"Um...."

At this point, and with impeccable comic timing, Betty turned her great shaggy, tousle-furred head to look at the officer. The Policeman did a spectacular comedy double-take and leapt backwards at least three feet in length.
"Aaaarrooohhh!" he yelped, mid-jump, almost tripping over his own feet in his shock. "It's a DOG!"

"Yes." said Mistress, torn between being amused and wondering how anyone could be so stupid as to confuse the back of a dog's head with that of a child's, as well as mindful that she didn't want to aggravate an officer of the law in an already testing situation.
"A dog!" repeated the Policeman. "Not a child! But from the back it looked-"
"Yes." said my Mistress again. "She's got my eyes and her father's tail. We're very proud."

The unfortunate man gaped, open-mouthed, at all three of us, temporarily incapable of speech, while I promise that I tried my very hard best not to giggle out loud.

"Erm," spluttered the Officer, trying (and failing) to recover a bit of his lost credibility. "I'd better let you get on your way, madam... I am sorry to have troubled you..."
"That's OK. Thank you." replied my Mistress, though this was lost on the Policeman's hastily retreating rear as he stumbled back to his motorbike and sped off as quickly as the law would allow.

We all laughed as we went on our way again. At least, until we stopped at the next set of traffic lights. Mistress looked thoughtfully in the mirror and soberly rubbed her chin. "Hang on..." she said slowly, examining her reflection, "That chap thought that a Giant Schnauzer was legitimately MY CHILD." She frowned and carefully rubbed her chin again "Time to get me an ol' shave..." I didn't understand, but Betty did and the two of us kept laughing all the way to the office.

I will try and think of some more things to write about. In the meantime, stay safe, be nice to each other and keep smiling (even if it's a bit difficult sometimes).

Lots of love from Gisèle x