Monday 5 September 2011

Lawks a-mercy; what fresh hell is this?!  One in which I am being deliberately deceived, for a start.

My partner was paid last week (hurrah!), which meant she could once again purchase food (double-hurrah!!).  Now, as everyone knows, when one's partner goes food shopping, the first item amongst purchases to be unpacked ought always to be the "big shop" treat for one's trusty canine sidekick.  After all, who has spent all of the previous month diligently and dutifully eating the food so laboriously worked for and lovingly prepared?  Who has saved many an unnecessary calorie or carbohydrate from passing less-resilient lips by stealing it from the plate?  Who has carefully guarded their loved-one whilst they undertake the hazardous task of storing away the shopping in one's many cupboards?  Why, one's loving and faithful dog, of course!

After the shopping bags were all transferred from our New Teal Megane to our hallway, I carefully positioned my posterior so that I could achieve maximum eye-contact with my partner.  This accomplished, I adopted my most winning "thank you, dearest one, for toiling so hard at your work and for tramping around the supermarket so that I may be sustained in my frail dotage" expression and left my dewy brown eyes to do their foul work...

At length (far longer than I would have liked), my partner was unable to avoid my eye any longer and admitted "Oh yes, Jasper, I bought something especially for you!" as she took a long, thin, white packet from one of the bags.
"Bit different." I thought to myself but, never having been one to spurn a treat, I sniffed the proffered item hopefully.  It seemed to contain two firm, stick-like, lengths.  Hesitantly, I took a nip at my gift and immediately recoiled in disgust.  It was tasteless and like plastic.
"Yes!" beamed my partner.  "I've bought you a couple of toothbrushes!  Time we did something about those dirty fangs and potty-breath!"

Dirty fangs?!  POTTY-BREATH?!  The impudent girl!  I've been storing some of that stuff in my back teeth for years...!

"Ermm..." I muttered, floundering as I tried to effect gratitude sufficient to hide my scorn.  "Thank you... errr... but I'm not sure we can afford them... Perhaps you ought not to think of me so much and treat yourself once in a while..."
"Oh, Jazzy, you're SO sweet!" she grinned, patting my head.  "But you mustn't worry - they were the cheap 'Basics' ones and were only 20p for the two!"

Dammit!   Curse Messrs Sainsbury and their Basics Value range!  Curse them all the way to Hades and back - on the end of a VERY sharp spike!!

"Ah, hehehe... how fortunate for me that they have started doing toothbrushes... hehehe..." I replied weakly.  As my partner handed me a PROPER (i.e. edible) 'big shop' treat, I tried to formulate a plan to get out of having my fangs brushed.  I could think of nothing at once both practical and convincing.

Having barked this, whilst fate often cruelly mocks me it can sometimes also reward me.  Thus it transpired on my evening walk.  After eating my dinner while my partner finished putting away our shopping, we bent our steps to the park and the river.  I fancied supplementing my meal with a tasty salad.  As everyone knows, the most delicious, most succulent blades of salad can be found nearest to the riverbank.  Alas, however, the riverbank can sometimes also be a veritable roulette-wheel of snacks.  When my partner spotted what I was about she called out a warning:  "Jasper!  Don't go putting any of the reeds into your mouth!  They've got sharp edges!!"

I muttered something cheeky and indistinct under my breath - before feeling a sudden vicious pain on the tip of my tongue and a tell-tale metallic taste in my mouth.  I tried to squeal quietly - alas, this is never a gift I have been able to master.  My partner came running up to me and saw the little trickle of blood peeping out from betwixt my lips.
"Oh Jasper!" she cried, with a mixture of concern and exasperation, "What have I told you?!"
"Ummm... not to eat the reedth...?" I lisped.
"Right!  And have you been eating the reeds?"
"No."
"Have you been eating the reeds?!"
"Yeth."
"And what have I always said to you?!"
"You thaid 'Jathper, don't eat the reedth'."

My partner sighed and shook her head as she bent over me and dabbed at my tongue with a paper handkerchief.  It wasn't a bad cut, though being on the base of the end of my tongue it is proving somewhat slow to mend.  No mind - for my partner daren't approach my fangs with the wretched new toothbrush until the scab is healed; another victory for me, hehehe...!

At least I have lost the shaming lisp - which is just as well, as I have to face up to Fizzy and Ewan tomorrow, and Fizzy is STILL on heat...

From last week:

Fizzy puts the moves on JHS whilst Ewan's tail is turned...

...innocent, unsuspecting, Ewan being preoccupied with a very serious and complex choice...

JHS having successfully deflected her attentions (note hind-paw at top left of photograph; keeping well out of it), and Ewan having made his selection, Fizzy turns to pursue her reluctant husband.  Who promptly legs it into the woods with his football.

Dear, oh dear.  What a tangled web life weaves about me - thank goodness I can unburden myself to you, sweet reader.

Good night.