Monday, 25 April 2011

Monday 25 April 2011

Although I am by no means recovered, I begin to show signs of improvement.

I was able to undertake a full circuit of Abbotstone last evening - and even chased a wily beastie.

Ahhh... [sigh]... well do I recall the days when my blog was populated with tales of triumph such as vanquishing evil buzzards; fights with dominant stags; walks exceeding ten miles over Dartmoor; and other such victories.  Nowadays, my glories lie in managing a short, untaxing, walk - or finishing my dinner without being sick afterwards.  And yet - despite these diminishments - I am happy.  Yes I am.  And do you know why, my dear reader?

Because I am loved.  All I have ever wanted in my life (a loving home, food to eat, water to drink, understanding and affection...) I have.  And, in recent days, it has been proved to me that even though I can no longer caper about as in former years my partner loves me just the same as she ever did.

Age is, indeed, just a number.  I am loved and so I continue to be happy - happier than ever.

And, despite my (thus far undetected) continuing onslaught on garden developments of which I disapprove, I have been a VERY good boy in continuing to take my medicine, earning myself high praise and cuddles from my doting partner at the same time.  This puts me in mind of a viral email, sent to me by my good friend in Michigan, Lance.  Permit me to share it with you now, as a little Easter treat.  Happy Easter indeed.

How to give a cat a pill:
  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for repairing later.

  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

  12. Call Fire Service to retrieve the d*mned cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
     
  13. Tie the little b*st*rd's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
     
  14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill fragments from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
     
  15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
  1. Wrap it in grilled bacon.

Hee-hee... many a true word...!

Tomorrow or Wednesday, I will return to consult my surgeon.  Then, we shall know whether I am to leave this realm imminently - or otherwise.  But I am not afraid.  I am loved - and love, as the barking goes, conquers all.

Good afternoon.
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