Sunday, 19 July 2009

Sunday 19 July 2009

Oh, no. Dear me, no. HOW can this have happened? It isn't fair.

The evil, rumbling, sinister Sky Dog has found me, and subjected me to persistent, terrifying attacks. All accompanied by huge crashes from the skies, dark scudding clouds and flashes of unnecessarily bright light.

Why? And - more to the point - how? I cannot understand how he found me out in my new abode. This is proof, if proof were needed, that I am his intended quarry - and that he will stop at nothing until I am reduced to dust. My partner suggests that he can probably also be seen and heard at the same time in my former home - but I know that this is only a kindly-meant effort to soothe me. I have spent much of this weekend trying to hide. I found a good spot behind the computer, but became entangled in wires and had to be extricated by a partner with rapidly-diminishing patience and a pair of maliciously (in my opinion)-wielded tweezers.

But this is not the sum of my torment. Oh no. I have been growing increasingly suspicious of the motives coursing within my new chariot - the New Teal Megane. I had no qualms whatsoever with my much-mourned Little Green Corsa - but I cannot be hoodwinked by the evil intents of this new vehicle. I will not be deceived.

Riding unsuspiciously in the passenger seat, as I always do, little did I suspect that mischief was a-paw. All of a sudden the window slid down, exposing my face to the evening breeze. I gazed in bewilderment as the window mysteriously glided up again and I suddenly whipped around in my seat. What had just happened?! Since that first occurrence, there have been many repetitions - each more terrifying than the last. I do not touch the window or the door at any time, and nothing I do or bark seems to influence the glass. Turning to my partner during the most recent incidence of window-possession, I could see her hands firmly on the steering wheel. She smiled at me, winking and saying "Is it doing it again, Jasper?" "Yes! YES!!" I wailed, covering my eyes with my paws. I CANNOT understand what is happening with the window. It only seems to affect the one on my side - my partner's window doesn't choose to arbitrarily raise and lower itself. One thing is clear, however - there is devilry in all this. In the old days, the New Teal Megane would have been hauled off to the town square and burned at the stake (cf:

But even this is not a complete picture of my terrors. I ask you: WHAT is going on in the woods these days?!

I ventured there with my partner to seek some respite from the torment of my addled mind, but sensed immediately that something was very much amiss. The woods were alive with the barking of stags and the high-pitched whistles of flirtatious does, and the air was so thick with the scent of pheromones that one could almost take a bite out of it. I glanced in confusion to my partner, who gently explained that it was the rutting season for Roe Deer.

I ran hither and thither, entertaining myself with pursuing the various scents - until, that is, we arrived at the North end of the woods (the furthest point from the car). I suddenly realised that the air was distinctly more stag than doe - there was certainly a profusion of testosterone in the atmosphere. I was under no illusions about what would inevitably ensue.

Charmed by my raw animal magnetism and rakish good looks, I would undoubtedly fall prey to the attentions of lust-crazed stags. Well, they could rut off if they thought they would try any of that nonsense, but better to be safe than sorry, I turned tail and fled back to the car, with my partner in hot pursuit, demanding to know why our walk was to be curtailed so abruptly.

And now, I sit here typing, shivering at the thought of the myriad tormentors of my mind. WHY is everyone and everything out to get me?! Nowhere is safe for me to hide... What will become of me...? Arrrrgh.....


Ahhh... that's better.... My partner has just returned from doing the washing-up and noticed my addled state. A cuddle and some soothing words has worked wonders. Ah, the power of a loving partner... there is something mysterious and inexplicably reassuring that does NOT need to be feared...

Now that I am drawing this entry to a close, I realise that I have still not shared with you the story of my horrendous accident in Wales - the one that almost claimed my life. I shall hasten to that next time. I am also minded to share with you, in episodic form, the story of how my partner and I came to be together - and the slender chances of fate that conspired so narrowly to unite us. But my earliest days are not ones of which I am proud. I'm still considering it.

Good night.