Another wonderful day of being Jasper is almost complete.
Yesterday's achievements were crowned with another visit from my new little friend from the hedge. He only seems to come a-calling in the dead of night, when I am making my final tour of my estate before retiring for the night. No matter - I am always glad to see him.
"Alright?" he hailed me.
"Very well, thank you." I replied. My new friend sidled up close to me, giving me the opportunity to fully realise for the first time just how rancid he smelt. He leaned towards my ear, and muttered confidentially:
"Listen. Whisper is: a deer was snuffed on the main road last night. Up by the roundabout apparently. Me and a few of the lads are going to check it out. Want to come with?"
"I can't get out of my garden by myself."
"'Course you can. Look." And my chum moved one of the fence posts aside with nothing but his bare snout!
"When did that happen?!" I barked, incredulously.
"'S always been like that." he replied. "Bit tight for you, but one good shove and you'll be through..."
"I'm not supposed to go out by myself." I muttered. My friend laughed his strange, wheezy laugh and sneered at me.
"You're the man of the house, ain't 'cha?"
"Er... yes." I replied, doubtfully, hoping that my partner was out of earshot.
"Well then," he rasped, "Tell the choppy tart indoors to get stuffed and come out for some fun with the lads."
Dear blog, I have to admit that I was tempted. I looked over the dark fields and up the hill, to the lights of the roundabout twinkling far off in the distance and imagined the taste of fresh venison... Even the thought of being naughty sent a little thrill through me...
But I could not let down my partner. I declined my friend's offer - explaining that I always got too greedy and I didn't want to take all the meat away from him and his friends. The little chap shrugged and turned to go. As I watched his long pink tail disappear into the hedge, he suddenly spoke once more: "Must 'ave a word with you sometime about them kittens."
"What? Oh, yes, the kittens." I replied.
"Don't want the little b****rs getting any older, do we?"
"Er, ha ha ha, no." I responded, wondering what in the name of Cerberus he was on about. But before I could request clarification, my friend (and his tail) had disappeared into the night.
I did not regret my decision not to go looking for the deer. As much fun as it would have been, I must not distress my partner - particularly at present. For tomorrow, she is to attend the local hospital for a rather unsavoury procedure. She has a lump in her left breast and must undergo an operation to have it removed (local surgeons are concerned, as my partner's mother has suffered not one, but two episodes of breast cancer). We have known about this for some short while, but I did not bark of it previously as the subject distresses me. But tomorrow is the big day, and I can deny its reality no longer. My blog may fall silent for a few days owing to these events. But I WILL return and, dear reader, my heart shall remain true to you whilst my computer slumbers.
Until next time - good night.