Tuesday 12 September 2006

An affair at Abbotstone this evening. Halfway round our normal circuit I caught sight of a young deer, just ripe for the chasing. I pursued it until she outran me and then returned to my partner. Further along the route, my partner had to pop behind a bush to mark some territory. She must have had some urgent business, as it's usually just me who sends and receives weemails when out. Anyway, while she was engaged on that, I continued on my way and spotted the same deer that I had been chasing, loitering in the woods. I sped after it once more until, in a small clearing amongst the trees, I ran into trouble in the shape of a large and angry stag. The deer was standing behind him. I tried to slip past him, but he purposely blocked my way each time. He addressed me with an angry bark (which sounded like a funny sort of dog's call). His words were along the lines of "Leave my women alone, you yappy little b*stard." I am NOT yappy. "S*d off you arrogant overgrown goat." I riposted. I am Jasper and I refuse to be told what to do on my own territory. I wasted no time in repeating this to him. "This is MY territory." came the barked response "and I'll give you a damned good hiding if you come after my women again."

Well, I am not one to be bullied by such arrogant types, so I pointed out that I would continue to do exactly what I wished, including anything that involved "his women".

"Right. That's it." said the aggressor, and remember - I had done NOTHING wrong up until now. He gave a warning challenge bark and stamped the ground. I barked my acceptance of his challenge and prepared to do battle. The stag then lowered his head to the ground and readied himself to charge.

It was at this point that I focused on the antlers. Large bony antlers. It occurred to me that each tip of antler was just of a size that, if he got me in the rear, would violently insert itself into the 'fire-escape' underneath my tail. As the stag commenced his charge, I decided to abruptly change my tactics and ran yelping, without stopping, all the way back to the car.

I bravely hid behind one of the wheels, whimpering and shivering, until my partner came running up. She had been alerted by all the barking to the fact that I was in a scrape and had arrived on the scene just as I made good my escape. I thought she would be as pleased as ever with my fighting prowess, but not so. "Jasper, what the bloody hell do you think you were doing?" she said. "You could have been very seriously hurt. You're a bloody idiot. Get in the car." I silently obeyed, feeling aggrieved. That stag had a VERY lucky escape.

Good night.